the interview

Isaac: May I take a photo of you?

Homeless Man: Well sure. What else do you want? To know my whole life story?

Isaac: Ha, well if you wouldn’t mind.

Homeless Man:  I hope you have some time. At the age of three both my parents had committed suicide. I thought. No I didn’t because I had no idea what was happening. After my parents decide to call it quits, I went through all the intricacies. Who gets the money? Who was to take care of me? Who owned what? I was confused and to make matters seemingly worse everyone was asking ME questions. Yes, the three year old with a brain the size of a peanut. They didn’t take any of my emotions into consideration. It was a complete interrogation. With a dead brother in my mother’s womb, I had no one. My grandparents were dead and both my parents were single children. I was a “rare case” as the judge said.

                  Decisions were made and at the age of eight I was lodging in a catholic orphanage. The first day really foreshadow the rest of time at this institution.

Principal:“ Father will take you to your room and Mother Superior will be waiting there for you”

Me:“I don’t think you understand, my parents committed suicide five year ago. Unless, you have a way to bring them back.

Principal: “ Enough, Mr. Baker. Trauma, yes, but do not be cheeky.

The years to come were filled with confusion. “Why won’t god show his face? If Adam and Eve were always naked, did they have sex a lot? If god created humans shouldn’t nuns be having sex non-stop to keep gods children going? What happened if America went to war with the Vatican, would we still like the pope?” They were some of the questions that were asked at the beginning of my stay. At the age of sixteen I received the nickname Gigolo.  I had no idea what this nickname was about, but my girlfriends ex had given it to me. That night I asked one of my many Fathers what a Gigolo does. With a slap, I was proud of myself. I still had no idea what it was but, it was bad and I wanted to be something naughty without trying. I ran away and decided it was my destiny to become a Gigolo.

Isaac: A gigolo, really? You had no idea what that was?

Homeless Man: Well I was only educated about religion, nothing about sex. Carrying on, the first year was easy and much the same as the orphanage but with less rules. Instead of learning religion I learned how to do a line of coc. Instead of learning math I learned how to reload a gun or break into a car. I had a parental figure, whom everyone called “ a pimp”. I didn’t like that term so I called him dad. He was protective but would let me do as I please.

For four years, I had sex. Lots of it. Nevertheless I was content and loved every minute of it. If my client laid a hand on me, dad would pull a gun on them. I was never scared but I became tired and decided I wanted to call it quits and run away, for the second time.

Isaac: This story is intriguing, what happened next?

Homeless Man: At the age of twenty-two with $200,000 and a handful of experiences in my pocket I was ready for the real world. Lonely nights in the local motel, led to thought and frustration. I thought of the one thing I was good at, sex. But also acting. All the orgasms I had and developed that were fake. I decided I wanted to be an actor.

My first agent in the “biz” as they called it, wanted to make me a porn star. I explained that I was tired of having sex and wanted to act in films. He ditched me and I was again alone in the local motel. Day in and day out I wished for a miracle.

Isaac: Did you get one?

Homeless Man: Well, one evening I was watching a film and a man knocked on my door. He came to tell me the film was too loud. I muted the Paramount feature and offered the man a brew. We talked and soon enough he asked, “What movie were you watching?” “My favorite, Dogma”, I said. The man jumped for joy and replied “ I directed that film”. One thing led to the next and I had a job with Paramount.

Paramount treated me well and I had the life of a true movie star. Until one day when all went to shits.

It was evening and I was sitting with my wife in the living room, where we both did a line. I was feeling strong and in power and understood that Spring Break was coming up for all the kiddies. I decided to invest all my money into Intrawest. All of it. The next day Intrawest went under and all my money was gone. My wife kicked me out of the house and all what she left me with was this flute that I to this day play.

Isaac: I hope you understand I’m writing all this down.

Homeless Man: Give me $10 and piss off, I’ve got music to play.